Just because you are beginning to be less passive and more assertive doesn’t mean that others will welcome your changes. In fact, those around you will likely resist and resent your attempts at being more direct with your needs and your anger. After all, they are used to being able to get their way around you. It will take time before others will come to realize that you are no longer going to keep quiet or back down when there is a conflict. Some will actually try to sabotage your efforts by using these blocking strategies to avoid dealing with conflict or acknowledging the behavior that has provoked you: • Laughing it off. The other person responds to your confrontation by making a joke or making light of the situation. • Ignoring you. The other person completely ignores what you are saying. • Denying. The other person tells you, “That’s not true. I didn’t do that,” or acts as if he doesn’t know what you are talking about. • Minimizing. The other person tries to minimize the importance of what you are saying: “I don’t know why you are making such a big deal out of this.” • Debating. The other person wants to debate with you about the legitimacy of how you feel or the importance of the problem: “You shouldn’t feel that way.” • Guilt. The other person responds with tears and acts as if you are being mean: “How could you say such horrible things to me?”
190 HONOR YOUR ANGER
• Putting you off. Your confrontation is met with a statement like, “So what?” or “I’ll talk about it later.” • Questioning. The other person responds with a series of questions, such as “Why do you feel that way?” or “Why didn’t you tell me before?” • Reversing. The other person blames you for the problem. • Retaliation. The other person responds by attacking you. • Threatening. You are threatened with statements like, “So, if you don’t like it, I’ll just find someone who does,” or, “If you keep nagging me, this relationship is over.” The following techniques have proven helpful for overcoming blocking strategies. Although most of the techniques work for any of the blocking strategies, some work best for specific types as noted. • The broken record. Repeat your point calmly and quietly. Do not get distracted by irrelevant issues, do not get defensive, and do not get caught up in a debate. For example, “Yes, I know, but my point is. . . .” This is especially effective with laughing it off, putting you off, and debating. • Refocusing. Shift the focus and comment on what is going on between the two of you: “It feels like we are getting into old issues here. Can we get back to the issue I brought up?” This is especially effective with questioning, threatening and debating. • Hedging. You appear to give up ground without actually doing so. Agree to the person’s argument, but don’t agree to change: “That’s a good point. I probably could be more patient.” This is especially effective with reversing and retaliation. • Defusing. Put off further discussion until the other person has calmed down: “I see that you are very upset right now. Let’s discuss this later on today.” In order for this to be effective, you must return to the issue later. This is most effective with retaliation.

• Cutoff. Respond to the provocative statement with only a short word and quickly get back to the point. This helps prevent escalation. This is most effective with threatening. Knowing how to deal with blocking strategies will give you confidence and help you stick to the issues at hand instead of being discouraged, distracted, or defensive. Unfortunately, if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship or dealing with someone who refuses to change, even these techniques will not necessarily work. If this is your experience, give yourself credit for being assertive in the first place instead of silently allowing yourself to be controlled, dominated, or victimized. The more you practice assertiveness, the stronger you will feel, which will hopefully give you the courage to end relationships that are not mutually satisfying.