Learning how to communicate your angry feelings in a direct and constructive way is one of the most important steps in transforming your anger into a positive force. When should you take the risk of communicating your angry feelings? Research shows that the direct expression of anger at the time that it occurs and toward the immediate cause is the healthiest and most satisfying way of releasing tension. How do you know whether it will be constructive to express your angry feelings directly to the person with whom you are upset? There are at least four constructive expressions of anger. Before you choose to confront someone with your anger, ask yourself if you are motivated by a desire for at least one of the following:

1. To communicate feelings of hurt
2. To change the hurtful situation
3. To prevent a recurrence of the same hurt
4. To improve the relationship and increase communication

The most effective way of communicating your anger is to translate it into clear, nonblaming statements that establish boundaries. This is commonly referred to as being assertive. Many people associate being angry with yelling and being out of control, but expressing anger can become a positive thing when done with a firm, controlled tone of voice, good eye contact, and a confident posture that’s neither aggressive nor robotic. With assertive confrontation, you need to take responsibility for your emotions and clarify your expectations and limits. Unlike aggression, assertive behavior does not push others around, deny their rights, or run over people. Instead assertiveness reflects genuine concern for everyone’s rights since it is grounded in the belief that every human being is of equal value. No matter what your anger style, learning assertiveness will help you communicate your feelings and needs more effectively. Those with an aggressive anger style often become frustrated because they lack good communication skills and feel like others can talk circles around them. Those with a passive anger style are usually afraid to communicate their feelings directly and firmly, so others tend to speak over them or outshout them. Those with a passive-aggressive anger style mask their anger in judgments, criticisms, condescending sarcasm, or underhanded retaliation not only because they are afraid of rejection or retaliation but because they lack the assertiveness skills to communicate their anger directly. Assertiveness will benefit those with a projectiveaggressive anger style by offering them the permission and tools they need to own their own anger instead of projecting it onto others.

Assertive Statements 

What you say and the way you say it makes all the difference between being heard and being ignored or dismissed. It is not necessary to put the other person down (aggressive) to express your feelings (assertive). It is important to express yourself and take responsibility for your feelings, not to blame the other person for how you feel. An assertive statement to communicate anger needs to contain two thoughts:
1. The fact that you are angry and the reason why you are angry
2. What you want the other person to do or how you want the situation to change A simple form for such a statement is: “I feel angry because _______________. I want you to _______________. Every situation is different, of course, so the words may differ. Be sure to follow these simple rules: • Avoid using “you” messages, which not only put the person receiving the message on the defensive but can reinforce feelings of helplessness in the person sending the message.
 • Always use “I” statements in order to take responsibility for your reactions. “I” statements give information about you as opposed to making judgments about others.
 • Avoid name calling, insults, or sarcasm.• Avoid using the words never and always, which tend to shame the other person and make him or her feel hopeless and misunderstood. • Always express why you are angry and what you think could improve the situation