Laurie doesn’t know why she explodes in anger so often. She’ll be feeling perfectly fine when all of a sudden something or someone will trigger intense feelings of rage in her. Before she knows it, she’s created havoc in her environment, upsetting everyone around her. The episode often lasts only minutes and her anger usually subsides for no apparent reason.
Rebecca never seems to get angry. Her family and friends marvel at how calm she remains, even when her husband, Carl, yells at her. But Rebecca has her own private ways of getting back at Carl for his abusiveness. She accidentally spills bleach on his favorite shirt, forgets to pick up his suit at the cleaners the afternoon of an important dinner party hosted by his boss, and often forgets to tell him when his mother calls.
Max often loses it with his children. He screams at them and shakes them really hard whenever they make a mistake, like spilling juice all over the new carpet. Max feels badly afterward, but he can’t seem to control himself.

One of the Most Important Changes You Will Ever Make
Rocky is supersensitive to criticism. If his wife says something to him that seems the slightest bit critical, he becomes enraged. How dare she insult him in this way! She needs to be punished! And that is what Rocky does. He sometimes rants and raves for hours, trying to make his wife feel as bad about herself as she made him feel with her comment. To anyone else it is clearly a case of overkill, but to Rocky his wife deserves to be brought to her knees.
Marcie is afraid of her own anger and she is always afraid others are going to get angry with her. Many of her conversations are prefaced with: “Don’t get angry.” “Don’t get mad, but I’m going to be a few minutes late.” “Please don’t get angry, but I can’t go with you like I said I would.”
Tara doesn’t know when she’s angry. She’s used food to avoid her feelings for so long that she’s almost completely out of touch with what she is feeling at any given time.
Steven uses his anger to control others. Whenever things aren’t going his way, he explodes and suddenly everyone gives in to him.
Janine is sweetness personified. She prides herself on the fact that she never gets angry and she seems to get along with everyone. But behind her constant smile and sweet words there is often a hint of sarcasm or contempt. Janine is angrier than she realizes.
Whenever something goes wrong in Roger’s life, he immediately finds someone or something to blame. Instead of taking responsibility, he excuses his actions by saying that someone else “made him do it.” Even when it is abundantly clear to everyone around him that he is responsible for the negative things in his life, Roger always feels like a victim.
Kate is a self-blamer. When someone gets angry with her, she tends to take on the blame instead of fighting back. She gets angry with her

MOST IMPORTANT CHANGES YOU WILL EVER MAKE
self for upsetting the other person and will often chastise herself mercilessly with negative self-talk.
Lily often assumes others are angry when they aren’t, and her fear of others’ anger sometimes creates the very situation she’s trying to avoid. “Are you angry with me?” she’ll ask if a friend or family member seems the least bit preoccupied or distant. Not trusting the answer, she’ll sometimes press people again and again until they do get angry.
All of these people have unhealthy anger styles that are negatively affecting their life and the lives of those around them. While anger is a normal, healthy emotion, when you act out your anger in destructive or underhanded ways, or when you withhold anger and take in criticism or verbal abuse from others, then turn it against yourself, it can become a very negative emotion indeed. When many people think of having a problem with their anger or having an unhealthy anger style, they think of having a bad temper or being unable to control their anger. But as you’ve seen from the examples above, there are many other unhealthy styles of anger. Some people express their anger too often or use their anger to control or manipulate those around them. Others don’t express their anger often enough. Instead they harbor their anger, feeding it until it becomes a monster that contaminates their relationships. In this book, you’ll learn that any extreme when it comes to anger can be problematic. It is apparent that the misuse and abuse of anger has become a problem for people all over the world. The rate of child abuse continues to rise, there is an increase in cases of road rage, and sports violence is becoming more of a problem than ever, involving not only the fans of hockey and soccer games but now baseball as well. Clearly, many people need help when it comes to learning how to contain and control anger. But there are others who need help in learning how to express their anger—to let it out instead of allowing it to damage their health and their relationships or to distort their perceptions of others. Anger can be a very complicated emotion. Those who appear to not have a problem with anger can actually be the ones who are in

 HONOR YOUR ANGER
the most need of help. Essentially, you have a problem with your anger if • You hurt others with your anger • You hurt yourself with your anger • You allow others to hurt you with their anger • You are afraid to express your anger • You never get angry • You hold onto your anger and are unable to either forgive or forget • You find sneaky ways of getting back at people instead of expressing your anger directly • You are angry a great deal of the time • You are out of control when it comes to your anger • Your tendency to be negative, critical, or blaming is adversely affecting you, your family, your friends, or your coworkers • Your way of expressing your anger leaves you feeling helpless and powerless • Your way of expressing (or not expressing) your anger has jeopardized your job or damaged your career • You don’t know why you suddenly become angry • You misdirect your anger (take your anger out on innocent people) • Your anger is eating you up inside • You continually get involved with angry, controlling, or abusive people • You allow yourself to be emotionally or physically abused by someone else’s anger • You allow others to emotionally or physically abuse your children
If you are having any of these problems, this book will help you resolve them. You’ll learn healthier ways of dealing with your anger and with the anger of others. You will learn how to create an anger style that is not only healthy but life-transforming. You will be encouraged to take on and practice an entirely different way of dealing with your anger than what is normal and automatic for you. This will initially feel like you are taking on an uncomfortable role. But we often need to step outside our comfort zone if we are to make real and lasting changes. The premise is that inside every critical, judgmental person is someone who is painfully afraid of being criticized or judged. Inside every passive, fearful person is someone who is incredibly angry. And inside every person who avoids anger is someone who is seething with anger inside.