As discussed early in this chapter, we usually take on a particular anger style because of the way one or both of our parents dealt with anger. Often our fear of becoming like one of our parents causes us to take on the opposite anger style or to become so afraid of anger that we are unable to function properly in adult relationships. Some of us become so afraid that we will repeat one or both of our parents’ways of expressing anger that we avoid certain situations like getting married or having a child. For example, I was so afraid of becoming like my emotionally abusive mother that I chose not to have children. I was certain that I would belittle and berate my children as my mother had done to me, and I didn’t want to be responsible for damaging a child in that way. Looking back, if I had had a child in my twenties or thirties, I’m certain that I would have been abusive. It wasn’t until I had completed my unfinished business with my mother and my sexual perpetrator that I was free of the rage that had so controlled my life— and by that time I had reached forty. If you find that you are afraid of repeating your parent’s anger style, the key will be for you to complete your unfinished business with that parent and with your past. By releasing your unexpressed emotions concerning your parent and resolving your relationship, you can successfully individuate from your parent and thus create a separate identity. It is normal and healthy for you to feel angry at a parent who was a poor role model. One aspect of completing your unfinished business with your parents will be for you to name, own, and release this anger. The following exercise will help.

EXERCISE: Your Anger toward Your Parents • Write your parent (or other caretaker) a letter expressing how you feel about the fact that he or she gave you such negative messages about anger or was such a poor role model concerning the expression of anger. Don’t hold back and don’t censor yourself. Your parent need never know anything about your anger or this letter. • Include in your letter exactly how your parent’s way of expressing and dealing with anger affected you and why (for example, you may wish to list specific incidents). • Once you have completed the letter, you can choose to tear it up, keep it for your records, or actually send it to your parent. Although our current anger may feel new, it is often old anger that has come back to haunt us. In fact, we often place the faces of people from our past onto those who are currently in our lives. Our current anger often reflects the same old unresolved issues that have evoked anger throughout much of our lives. Instead of reacting to a present-day situation, we may be reacting to another incident, often a traumatic one. Someone may remind us of a parent or other caretaker, or a particular situation may bring back unpleasant memories. In order to prevent this from happening on an ongoing basis, disrupting our lives and causing problems in our relationships, we need to work on our unfinished business from the past. The best way to do this is to examine why we got angry in a particular situation, then try to make connections with our past.

EXERCISE: Taking Care of Unresolved Issues This exercise will help to clear up the backlog of hurtful, unresolved issues from your past. 1. Make a list of all the people who harmed you in the past. Go back as far as you can remember to include your parents and other caretakers, other family members, childhood friends, and past lovers and partners. 2. Go through your list and one by one write down all the reasons why you are angry with the person in question. Writing helps you get in touch with your true feelings. It brings to the surface emotions that have been buried deep inside that you have been afraid to acknowledge. And writing down your feelings helps with the confusion you may feel about exactly why you are angry. 3. Now write a letter to each person who wronged you, outlining all the reasons why you are angry and hurt. Don’t censor yourself—say exactly what you feel. Explain in detail how the person’s actions or inaction harmed you. You can decide at a later date whether you wish to actually send the letter. For now, the purpose of the letter is to help you get your anger and pain out. This process will obviously take a great deal of time and energy, but it will be well worth it. Take your time and don’t try to do too much in one sitting. Continue this process until you have addressed everyone on your list.