There is a strong likelihood that the main reason for your passive anger style is that you are afraid of getting angry. We often become frightened when we feel anything intensely, whether it is anger, sadness, fear, or even love and joy. We are afraid that our feelings will overpower us or that we will get out of control. We imagine our emotions spilling out all over the place, creating havoc. The irony is that it is what you don’t express that can get you into trouble. The more you suppress and repress your anger, the more likely it will burst out of you when you least expect it.

In order for you to begin to overcome your fear of anger, it is important to understand these specific reasons for it:

• The fear of retaliation. This is a very real fear if you were punished when you were a child every time you got angry or if you have been abused as an adult for standing up to your partner. As one client told me, “When I was a kid, I got beaten very badly the one time I talked back to my dad. I learned never to do that again.”

• The fear of rejection. This is also a very real fear if you experienced rejection when you stood up for yourself. My client, Joseph, shared his experience with me: “When we first got married, my wife would stop speaking to me when I got angry with her. I wouldn’t yell at her or anything, just let her know I didn’t like what she was doing. But she said it hurt her feelings and that I shouldn’t get angry with her if I loved her. She even threatened to leave me if I got angry with her again. So I stopped getting angry.”

 • The fear of hurting another person. This fear is especially strong if you hurt someone when you were angry. This is a story a friend told me: “When I was growing up, I had a bad temper. I used to yell and scream and throw things when I got mad. One day I got so mad at my younger brother that I threw a plate of food at him. The plate hit him in the head and cut it open. He had to be taken to the hospital to get stitches. Since that time, I’ve never gotten angry again.”

• The fear of becoming like those who abused you. If you were emotionally, physically, or sexually abused as a child or adolescent, your primary reason for not expressing your anger is probably your fear that you will become an abuser yourself. This is a genuine concern. But if you fear continuing the cycle of abuse, there is even more reason to begin to communicate openly about your angry feelings. If you continue to hold in your anger, it is likely that you may one day explode in a rage.
And it is very likely that you are already taking your anger out on your loved ones in a negative way (belittling or berating, punishing with silence, unreasonable expectations). Your old anger toward your abusers needs to be released in constructive ways and your current anger needs to be spoken. Then you can be assured that you will not become like those who abused you.

• The fear of losing control. To you, expressing or communicating your anger may seem as if you are losing control. You may be afraid that once you begin to express your anger, you will go crazy and hurt others or yourself. Ironically, it is often the person who represses her anger who is most likely to become destructive or to have rage erupt in inappropriate ways at inappropriate times. You will not go crazy if you allow yourself to feel and express your anger. If you learn to consistently allow yourself to express your anger instead of holding it in, you will find that you will actually feel more in control of your emotions and yourself.

 • The fear of becoming irrational or making a fool out of yourself. Far from making you irrational, anger can often cause you to think and see things more clearly. It can also empower you to make needed changes in your life. This is especially true if you don’t allow your anger to build up to the point where you lose it and begin to yell, act irrationally, or lash out at someone.
EXERCISE: Getting Past Your Resistance If you are reluctant to express your anger openly, the following exercise may help uncover additional reasons why you are afraid of your anger:

1. Write and complete this sentence: “I don’t want to express my anger because. . . .” Don’t think about your answers beforehand, just write.

2. Continue completing this sentence for as long as you have responses.