Just because you are beginning to be less passive and more assertive doesn’t mean that others will welcome your changes. In fact, those around you will likely resist and resent your attempts at being more direct with your needs and your anger. After all, they are used to being able to get their way around you. It will take time before others will come to realize that you are no longer going to keep quiet or back down when there is a conflict. Some will actually try to sabotage your efforts by using these blocking strategies to avoid dealing with conflict or acknowledging the behavior that has provoked you: • Laughing it off. The other person responds to your confrontation by making a joke or making light of the situation. • Ignoring you. The other person completely ignores what you are saying. • Denying. The other person tells you, “That’s not true. I didn’t do that,” or acts as if he doesn’t know what you are talking about. • Minimizing. The other person tries to minimize the importance of what you are saying: “I don’t know why you are making such a big deal out of this.” • Debating. The other person wants to debate with you about the legitimacy of how you feel or the importance of the problem: “You shouldn’t feel that way.” • Guilt. The other person responds with tears and acts as if you are being mean: “How could you say such horrible things to me?”
190 HONOR YOUR ANGER
• Putting you off. Your confrontation is met with a statement like, “So what?” or “I’ll talk about it later.” • Questioning. The other person responds with a series of questions, such as “Why do you feel that way?” or “Why didn’t you tell me before?” • Reversing. The other person blames you for the problem. • Retaliation. The other person responds by attacking you. • Threatening. You are threatened with statements like, “So, if you don’t like it, I’ll just find someone who does,” or, “If you keep nagging me, this relationship is over.” The following techniques have proven helpful for overcoming blocking strategies. Although most of the techniques work for any of the blocking strategies, some work best for specific types as noted. • The broken record. Repeat your point calmly and quietly. Do not get distracted by irrelevant issues, do not get defensive, and do not get caught up in a debate. For example, “Yes, I know, but my point is. . . .” This is especially effective with laughing it off, putting you off, and debating. • Refocusing. Shift the focus and comment on what is going on between the two of you: “It feels like we are getting into old issues here. Can we get back to the issue I brought up?” This is especially effective with questioning, threatening and debating. • Hedging. You appear to give up ground without actually doing so. Agree to the person’s argument, but don’t agree to change: “That’s a good point. I probably could be more patient.” This is especially effective with reversing and retaliation. • Defusing. Put off further discussion until the other person has calmed down: “I see that you are very upset right now. Let’s discuss this later on today.” In order for this to be effective, you must return to the issue later. This is most effective with retaliation.

• Cutoff. Respond to the provocative statement with only a short word and quickly get back to the point. This helps prevent escalation. This is most effective with threatening. Knowing how to deal with blocking strategies will give you confidence and help you stick to the issues at hand instead of being discouraged, distracted, or defensive. Unfortunately, if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship or dealing with someone who refuses to change, even these techniques will not necessarily work. If this is your experience, give yourself credit for being assertive in the first place instead of silently allowing yourself to be controlled, dominated, or victimized. The more you practice assertiveness, the stronger you will feel, which will hopefully give you the courage to end relationships that are not mutually satisfying.

The following information pertains to women only and to those who are partners to women with a passive anger style. Although there are certainly men who operate primarily out of a passive anger style, women most often have difficulty acknowledging and expressing their anger. Various reasons are presented for the repression of anger in women, including
1. The fear that the expression of anger will cause retaliation
2. The fear that expressing anger will deny the nurturing aspect of women’s socialization or drive away the love and closeness women seek
3. The need for change that is signaled when something is wrong
4. The need to be seen as the good woman or the nice lady as opposed to being perceived as unfeminine or the bitch.
While there is considerable disagreement as to whether women’s difficulty in acknowledging and expressing anger is caused by gender differences or status and power discrepancies, it is likely a combination of the two. For example, some contend that our society permits women the expression of anger in defense of those more vulnerable than themselves (such as their children) but discourages them from expressing anger on their own behalf (probably rooted in the belief that women’s power unleashed is considered devastating). It is clear that females have been trained to contain their anger at violation, fearing retaliation of those more powerful. Researchers such as Belenky and Gilligan have found that relatedness is primary for women. With this in mind, it becomes clear why a woman will go to any lengths, including the altering of herself, in order to establish and maintain intimate ties.

There is a strong likelihood that the main reason for your passive anger style is that you are afraid of getting angry. We often become frightened when we feel anything intensely, whether it is anger, sadness, fear, or even love and joy. We are afraid that our feelings will overpower us or that we will get out of control. We imagine our emotions spilling out all over the place, creating havoc. The irony is that it is what you don’t express that can get you into trouble. The more you suppress and repress your anger, the more likely it will burst out of you when you least expect it.

In order for you to begin to overcome your fear of anger, it is important to understand these specific reasons for it:

• The fear of retaliation. This is a very real fear if you were punished when you were a child every time you got angry or if you have been abused as an adult for standing up to your partner. As one client told me, “When I was a kid, I got beaten very badly the one time I talked back to my dad. I learned never to do that again.”

• The fear of rejection. This is also a very real fear if you experienced rejection when you stood up for yourself. My client, Joseph, shared his experience with me: “When we first got married, my wife would stop speaking to me when I got angry with her. I wouldn’t yell at her or anything, just let her know I didn’t like what she was doing. But she said it hurt her feelings and that I shouldn’t get angry with her if I loved her. She even threatened to leave me if I got angry with her again. So I stopped getting angry.”

 • The fear of hurting another person. This fear is especially strong if you hurt someone when you were angry. This is a story a friend told me: “When I was growing up, I had a bad temper. I used to yell and scream and throw things when I got mad. One day I got so mad at my younger brother that I threw a plate of food at him. The plate hit him in the head and cut it open. He had to be taken to the hospital to get stitches. Since that time, I’ve never gotten angry again.”

• The fear of becoming like those who abused you. If you were emotionally, physically, or sexually abused as a child or adolescent, your primary reason for not expressing your anger is probably your fear that you will become an abuser yourself. This is a genuine concern. But if you fear continuing the cycle of abuse, there is even more reason to begin to communicate openly about your angry feelings. If you continue to hold in your anger, it is likely that you may one day explode in a rage.
And it is very likely that you are already taking your anger out on your loved ones in a negative way (belittling or berating, punishing with silence, unreasonable expectations). Your old anger toward your abusers needs to be released in constructive ways and your current anger needs to be spoken. Then you can be assured that you will not become like those who abused you.

• The fear of losing control. To you, expressing or communicating your anger may seem as if you are losing control. You may be afraid that once you begin to express your anger, you will go crazy and hurt others or yourself. Ironically, it is often the person who represses her anger who is most likely to become destructive or to have rage erupt in inappropriate ways at inappropriate times. You will not go crazy if you allow yourself to feel and express your anger. If you learn to consistently allow yourself to express your anger instead of holding it in, you will find that you will actually feel more in control of your emotions and yourself.

 • The fear of becoming irrational or making a fool out of yourself. Far from making you irrational, anger can often cause you to think and see things more clearly. It can also empower you to make needed changes in your life. This is especially true if you don’t allow your anger to build up to the point where you lose it and begin to yell, act irrationally, or lash out at someone.
EXERCISE: Getting Past Your Resistance If you are reluctant to express your anger openly, the following exercise may help uncover additional reasons why you are afraid of your anger:

1. Write and complete this sentence: “I don’t want to express my anger because. . . .” Don’t think about your answers beforehand, just write.

2. Continue completing this sentence for as long as you have responses.

The next step is to identify your triggers or hot buttons. Whenever you have an intense reaction to something, chances are high that one of your triggers or hot buttons has been pushed. Triggers are suppressed or repressed fears, insecurities, anger, resentments, or regrets that cause automatic and often intense emotional reactions when activated. These intense reactions are frequently experienced as abusive by other people. By identifying the specific situations, actions, words, or events that trigger these emotional reactions, you can begin to anticipate and manage them better, thus avoiding some of your aggressive or abusive behavior.
Assignment. What are your triggers? 1. Start keeping a log of the situations that consistently make you angry. Think about the last time you got angry. What was it about? Pay attention to the factors involved such as your general mood or the presence or absence of alcohol. Did something in your environment or something that was said remind you of a past experience? 2. Ask those closest to you to help by telling you what they notice tends to trigger your anger. This will require trust on your part, but if you really want to transform your aggressive anger style and gain control of your anger, it may be a necessary risk. Those closest to you may be able to help you discover patterns to your behavior, thus making it more predictable. Behavior that is predictable is easier to manage.





 
Common Triggers for Those with an Aggressive Style of Anger

• Feeling out of control. Often those with an aggressive anger style gain a false sense of control by dominating and controlling others. When someone refuses to do as they say, they become enraged because they no longer feel this sense of false control. • Having to wait or not getting their way. Those with an aggressive anger style tend to be impatient and have a low tolerance for frustration. Therefore, when they are forced to wait or to adjust to not getting what they want when they want it, they often blow up in anger. • Being shamed. Those who were heavily shamed as children or adolescents are often triggered by any treatment or attitude from others that appears to be disapproving, disrespectful, critical, or judging. • Being ignored or rejected. Often those who become aggressive or abusive are triggered when they feel ignored or rejected. This is most likely due to the fact that they were neglected or abandoned when they were children. • Envy. Some people are triggered by feelings of envy. If someone close to them has a good experience, it makes them feel bad about themselves. This may trigger memories of being a less favored child or of having a parent who ignored their needs.

As discussed early in this chapter, we usually take on a particular anger style because of the way one or both of our parents dealt with anger. Often our fear of becoming like one of our parents causes us to take on the opposite anger style or to become so afraid of anger that we are unable to function properly in adult relationships. Some of us become so afraid that we will repeat one or both of our parents’ways of expressing anger that we avoid certain situations like getting married or having a child. For example, I was so afraid of becoming like my emotionally abusive mother that I chose not to have children. I was certain that I would belittle and berate my children as my mother had done to me, and I didn’t want to be responsible for damaging a child in that way. Looking back, if I had had a child in my twenties or thirties, I’m certain that I would have been abusive. It wasn’t until I had completed my unfinished business with my mother and my sexual perpetrator that I was free of the rage that had so controlled my life— and by that time I had reached forty. If you find that you are afraid of repeating your parent’s anger style, the key will be for you to complete your unfinished business with that parent and with your past. By releasing your unexpressed emotions concerning your parent and resolving your relationship, you can successfully individuate from your parent and thus create a separate identity. It is normal and healthy for you to feel angry at a parent who was a poor role model. One aspect of completing your unfinished business with your parents will be for you to name, own, and release this anger. The following exercise will help.

EXERCISE: Your Anger toward Your Parents • Write your parent (or other caretaker) a letter expressing how you feel about the fact that he or she gave you such negative messages about anger or was such a poor role model concerning the expression of anger. Don’t hold back and don’t censor yourself. Your parent need never know anything about your anger or this letter. • Include in your letter exactly how your parent’s way of expressing and dealing with anger affected you and why (for example, you may wish to list specific incidents). • Once you have completed the letter, you can choose to tear it up, keep it for your records, or actually send it to your parent. Although our current anger may feel new, it is often old anger that has come back to haunt us. In fact, we often place the faces of people from our past onto those who are currently in our lives. Our current anger often reflects the same old unresolved issues that have evoked anger throughout much of our lives. Instead of reacting to a present-day situation, we may be reacting to another incident, often a traumatic one. Someone may remind us of a parent or other caretaker, or a particular situation may bring back unpleasant memories. In order to prevent this from happening on an ongoing basis, disrupting our lives and causing problems in our relationships, we need to work on our unfinished business from the past. The best way to do this is to examine why we got angry in a particular situation, then try to make connections with our past.

EXERCISE: Taking Care of Unresolved Issues This exercise will help to clear up the backlog of hurtful, unresolved issues from your past. 1. Make a list of all the people who harmed you in the past. Go back as far as you can remember to include your parents and other caretakers, other family members, childhood friends, and past lovers and partners. 2. Go through your list and one by one write down all the reasons why you are angry with the person in question. Writing helps you get in touch with your true feelings. It brings to the surface emotions that have been buried deep inside that you have been afraid to acknowledge. And writing down your feelings helps with the confusion you may feel about exactly why you are angry. 3. Now write a letter to each person who wronged you, outlining all the reasons why you are angry and hurt. Don’t censor yourself—say exactly what you feel. Explain in detail how the person’s actions or inaction harmed you. You can decide at a later date whether you wish to actually send the letter. For now, the purpose of the letter is to help you get your anger and pain out. This process will obviously take a great deal of time and energy, but it will be well worth it. Take your time and don’t try to do too much in one sitting. Continue this process until you have addressed everyone on your list.

Learning how to communicate your angry feelings in a direct and constructive way is one of the most important steps in transforming your anger into a positive force. When should you take the risk of communicating your angry feelings? Research shows that the direct expression of anger at the time that it occurs and toward the immediate cause is the healthiest and most satisfying way of releasing tension. How do you know whether it will be constructive to express your angry feelings directly to the person with whom you are upset? There are at least four constructive expressions of anger. Before you choose to confront someone with your anger, ask yourself if you are motivated by a desire for at least one of the following:

1. To communicate feelings of hurt
2. To change the hurtful situation
3. To prevent a recurrence of the same hurt
4. To improve the relationship and increase communication

The most effective way of communicating your anger is to translate it into clear, nonblaming statements that establish boundaries. This is commonly referred to as being assertive. Many people associate being angry with yelling and being out of control, but expressing anger can become a positive thing when done with a firm, controlled tone of voice, good eye contact, and a confident posture that’s neither aggressive nor robotic. With assertive confrontation, you need to take responsibility for your emotions and clarify your expectations and limits. Unlike aggression, assertive behavior does not push others around, deny their rights, or run over people. Instead assertiveness reflects genuine concern for everyone’s rights since it is grounded in the belief that every human being is of equal value. No matter what your anger style, learning assertiveness will help you communicate your feelings and needs more effectively. Those with an aggressive anger style often become frustrated because they lack good communication skills and feel like others can talk circles around them. Those with a passive anger style are usually afraid to communicate their feelings directly and firmly, so others tend to speak over them or outshout them. Those with a passive-aggressive anger style mask their anger in judgments, criticisms, condescending sarcasm, or underhanded retaliation not only because they are afraid of rejection or retaliation but because they lack the assertiveness skills to communicate their anger directly. Assertiveness will benefit those with a projectiveaggressive anger style by offering them the permission and tools they need to own their own anger instead of projecting it onto others.

Assertive Statements 

What you say and the way you say it makes all the difference between being heard and being ignored or dismissed. It is not necessary to put the other person down (aggressive) to express your feelings (assertive). It is important to express yourself and take responsibility for your feelings, not to blame the other person for how you feel. An assertive statement to communicate anger needs to contain two thoughts:
1. The fact that you are angry and the reason why you are angry
2. What you want the other person to do or how you want the situation to change A simple form for such a statement is: “I feel angry because _______________. I want you to _______________. Every situation is different, of course, so the words may differ. Be sure to follow these simple rules: • Avoid using “you” messages, which not only put the person receiving the message on the defensive but can reinforce feelings of helplessness in the person sending the message.
 • Always use “I” statements in order to take responsibility for your reactions. “I” statements give information about you as opposed to making judgments about others.
 • Avoid name calling, insults, or sarcasm.• Avoid using the words never and always, which tend to shame the other person and make him or her feel hopeless and misunderstood. • Always express why you are angry and what you think could improve the situation

Laura: The High Price of Impatience Laura, who was referred to me by the court for counseling, was arrested because of her impatience and inability to control her impulses. She was taking a flight from Los Angeles to New York foran important business meeting. After working several hours on her report, she managed to fall asleep for several hours only to be awakened by the announcement that the plane would soon be landing. She hadn’t gone to the bathroom for several hours and now she had to go. There was a line for the rest rooms, so she waited impatiently for her turn. Finally, she was next in line, but before she got the chance to open the lavatory door, someone stepped around the corner and slipped in front of her. Laura was furious and pushed the woman aside. “It’s my turn!” she scowled at the woman. “No, it’s my turn,” the woman countered as she pushed her way into the rest room. Undaunted, Laura grabbed the woman’s hair and pulled her back. At this point, two flight attendants appeared to pull Laura off the frantic woman. Laura was livid and started yelling and trying to escape from the attendants. It took two more attendants to tackle her to the floor. When the plane landed, Laura was taken off in handcuffs and charged with endangering the flight and the passengers. After several witnesses were interviewed, Laura learned that there was another line coming around the back of the plane and that in fact it was the other woman’s turn to go into the lavatory. Clearly, Laura needed to learn patience and to control her aggressive impulses. Some people find it easier to tolerate frustration and control impulses than others. This is partly due to individual, constitutional, and temperamental differences, as well as how we are raised. The capacity to experience anger is at least partially programmed into us genetically. But it is also learned. For example, we become angry in situations today that remind our unconscious brain of similar situations from our past. Whereas anger may have served a positive purpose in one or more situations, it may not serve a useful purpose today, yet we are programmed to get angry nevertheless. What worked in the past may now actually work against us. In Laura’s case, she was programmed to be impatient by well-meaning yet poorly informed parents who bent over backward to satisfy her every whim. Instead of delaying gratification once in a while to teach her patience, they gave into her demands just to keep the peace.

MODIFYING OR TRANSFORMING AN AGGRESSIVE STYLE 
Own Your Anger One of the best ways to learn to control your aggressive impulses is to begin to own your anger. Those with an aggressive anger style tend to get angry a lot and to hang onto their angry feelings too long (creating hostility) because they believe that the solution to their anger lies outside of themselves and is caused by the actions of others. They tend to believe that if other people would only act differently, they wouldn’t get angry. But the cause of your anger is not outside yourself. Instead of blaming other people for making you angry, you need to begin to focus on your own emotional response. You must stop getting stuck in the “if onlys”: if only your wife had picked up the cleaning like you asked or if only your employee had done the job right, you wouldn’t have gotten so angry. The cause of your anger doesn’t lie in the actions of others. It lies within you—within your own biological and psychological makeup and reactions. Instead of focusing on what others are doing that makes you angry, you should be focusing on why you get angry at what others are doing. Directing all your anger into coercing or forcing others to change their behavior is not only frustrating but futile. Instead of externalizing your anger, focus on what is happening inside of you. After all, it’s your anger, not theirs. You will never eliminate unhealthy anger from your life until you stop trying to change how other people treat you instead of focusing on changing your own behavior. As long as you externalize your anger—that is, viewing the cause of your anger as outside yourself— you will remain irritated, upset, and stressed. As long as you continue to believe that the reason you are angry so often is because other people are inappropriate, disrespectful, or incompetent, you will continue to have problems with your anger. Forget how others are treating you. Focus on what is happening inside of you